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Apr 23 02 7:08 PM
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(ooc: ::winks at Poiupp:: Heh...you'll get this better than anyone here...)
Cerularius, who was already behind Fei, watches in awe as the two restore the beauty of the Umbra. "Whew..." He murmurs, then turns back to Fei.
"So, in essence, she's sort of like your girlfriend? I wish I had that kind of feelings for mine...she's quite possessive, actually, and if it weren't for her threats of tearing out my liver if I ever leave, I might actually let the thought pass through my head..."
Cat snickers, and gives Fei's ear another lick, then turns blue, "Heh heh...you think his renindition of her is bad, listen to this-"
"Cat!" Cerularius glares, "She's MY girlfriend and I'LL tell it! Right, well since you haven't protested, or had a chance to," Here he winks, "I'll tell you the story."
"Nothing keeps a relationship on its toes so much as lively debate. Fortunate, then, that my girlfriend Margret and I agree on absolutely nothing. At all."
"Combine utter, polar disagreement on everything, ever, with the fact that I am a text book Only Child, and she is a violent psychopath, and we're warming up."
"Then factor in my being English while she is German, which not only makes each one of us personally and absolutely responsible for the history, and the social and cultural mores of our respective countries, but also opens up a whole field of sub-arguments grounded in grammatical and semantic disputes and, well, just try saying anything and walking away."
"We have shower issues. Today I had a shower and she's put out some kind of weird cosmetic soap."
"I flinch at the idea of guessing how much this soap must have cost because it's utterly rubbish, which is usually a good indication of knee-buckling expense (Cotton flannel - 50p, Skin-lacerating wad woven from dried bark and nasal hair by Amazonian tribeswomen who will use whatever money they make from the sale to buy cotton flannels - £12.50)."
"This soap did not wash, but instead covered me in an iridescent film of grease - and, sadly, I'd made a last minute change of plans and decided to spend today sitting in front of the TV rather than swimming The Channel. Tch - irony, eh?"
"Anyway, I had to have another wash to remove this oleaginous soap from me. This was the Third Thing. I'll come to the Second Thing in a moment, but the First Thing is the ferocity of our shower."
"British showers are risible, this is a fact. Most people's noses run faster than the average British shower and one of Margret's longest held desires has been to get a shower like those in Germany."
"Thus, she got one fitted when we moved to the new house here and it is, indeed, German. Now, as much as I'm against the feebleness of British showers, I must ask if it's entirely necessary that a shower should hurt?
"This thing has a setting called 'massage' and it's not a massage. A massage involves relaxation, the soft, enquiring hands of a 22-year-old Scandinavian woman, and possibly an exchange of cash."
"The setting on this shower ought more accurately to be labelled 'Jumped By Thugs', you could mount the thing on top of a truck and use it to crush riots. This is all the more horrific when we approach the Second Thing. Because not only does Margret leave our shower set to maim, she also leaves it on cold."
"Margret has cold showers first thing in the morning. How unsurprising is that? In fact, I could have not told you all this and merely said 'Margret has cold showers first thing in the morning.' and everyone reading would have been able to infer the rest."
"I, it won't surprise you to learn, don't like mornings to begin with, and definitely don't want to find a cold shower lurking anywhere in them."
"Today, then, I stumbled sleepy-eyed into the shower, wrenched it on, and was immediately hit by a roar of icy water travelling at twelve-hundred miles an hour."
"My 'O'-eyed, bared-teeth face is going to be stuck like this for a week. Then, once I'd scrambled the settings back to within human limits, I got to cover myself in grease. Words will be exchanged."
He sighs, then smiles a bit, "I don't suppose Tamrissa does anything of the sort to you, eh?"
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